Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Holodiary of Aran Liander- Jedi Apprentice
I don't feel well at all. I started feeling bad last night after a long spar with my Master. At first I thought I had just over-exhausted myself, but now I'm not so sure. The darkness in he Temple- Coruscant for that matter -seems to be entering me and poisoning my very blood. Now I know why the Jedi believe that the Sith Lord is here on Coruscant- I can feel him/her. The fact that I can makes me feel even worse- like a giant fist has reached inside me and started to squeeze my guts.
I've been sitting in my room all day- My Master won't let me leave since he thinks I'm sick. He's been in and out all day, checking in on me and I can see that the dark side here is also affecting him. His face is wan and tight and his eyes are bloodshot with weariness. My brought in a healer, a human man, who pronounced me perfectly healthy, but as he left, he turned to me and gave me a look- a look which signified that he knew what I was going through. We all feel it; from the youngest initiate to Master Yoda himself; a sense of dark foreboding that grows heavier every day, every moment. How long till it crushes us?
I want to get out of this bed and DO something but if my Master finds me out of bed, he'll make me do five hours of katas once I feel better, which is something I don't want to do(practicing is fun, but going over the same forms for hours on end looses it's fun after the first two hours). And I don't want to cause him any trouble; he already has enough. My room seems different now, maybe that's why I want to leave. It seems soft, and light- almost angelic and it seems so wrong for me, dirtied with battle and stinking of death, to be here in this place. I've seen far, far too much to go back, I-
Oh, Force, I just started crying again. At least I'm here in the Temple, surrounded by Jedi who understand how it's like instead out there where the public can't bear the sight, or thought, of a Jedi weeping. 'We must not cry or show great anger or sorrow before those we serve. We must be calm and collected or they will not trust us' is what I've grown up hearing and I agree- if the public saw us weep or panic, they would loose what little faith they still have in us.
Yes, the public is loosing faith in us. It hurts me every time I see a disdainful or suspicious glance directed towards me as I stride through the crowded streets of whatever planet I'm on. They blame us for the war; I can see it in their eyes. Can't they understand what it must be like to have to do the thing we hate: make war. I've asked my Master about it- why does the public distrust us after all we've done. He told me that “People always fear those who are different then they are and those who do good”. How could you fear someone doing good? Isn't that what most people want to do at heart?
So many questions buzz in my head that I can't think straight. That's most likely why it takes so long to become a Knight- because we need to learn to quiet ourselves and look outwards to the needs of others before looking to the needs of ourselves. It is hard, it is difficult, but I completely understand and I will do my hardest to accomplish this. I will be the best Jedi I can be and that is enough for me.
Okay, I'm starting to feel less ill even if the shroud of the dark side still stifles me. At least the cramps have gone away. Maybe I'll even be up for some sparring with some fellow Padawans later. I'd like that.
When this war ends I shall be so thankful. I'll celebrate with my Master and Kyla and hopefully we'll be able to smile more than we cry as we remember those who have fallen. But hopefully the tears I shed will be those of joy instead of sorrow. I know Rune and Lint would rather I continue on the path of the Jedi instead of wallowing in grief. It's hard sometimes but....but I know that I'll be able to heal after this war one way or another. And I look forward to the day when my Master, Kyla, her Master, and I can look out to the sunset, with the suns rays shimmering against the stone of the Temple, and think of the joys ahead and the sorrows behind us because you can't have one without the other, right?
My Master just brought me my dinner which is sausage, slices of meat, muja fruit, and a tart for dessert. I'll write to you tomorrow or when I next get a chance.
May the Force be with you and let that wonderful day in my future come.
Look at the post below too. I posted two things today :)
Enjoy and May the Force be with you :D