Thursday, March 29, 2012
From the holo-diary of Aran Liander: Jedi Apprentice
The nightmares just get worse.
Before the war ended, I looked forward to it; now however, I wish it was going on still. I've dealt with nightmares before and had thought they were bad but the ones I have now are like nothing I could ever have imagined. I see all the grisly horror of Order 66, the death of my Master, the subsequent suffering on Coruscant over and over again. I would do anything to make it end, to turn back the clock to the day Palpatine took office and somehow stop it from occurring or let on of his assassination attempts succeed. I know, I know it's wrong. But..but I can't let go of it. I don't even know if I want to.
I wake up every night in a sweat; spats of blood clotting my vision in such vivid splotches that I sometimes think I actually have it flooding over my eyelids in a torrent of scarlet.
Okay that was just disturbing, but it's true. After the bloody mist fades, the shaking comes; everything trembling as if I was being electrocuted by Sith lightning. I feel dead, more dead than I'd ever felt before. If I had been empty before the war, then I was a void of nothingness now.
But I won't despair, even with nightmares and darkness and Sith bombarding me from every which way. I just need to figure out what to do. The stormtroopers are on my tail; they've been following me for the last three days and I worry that I'll cry out in my sleep and they will hear me and take me away before I can defend myself. I might head to the lower levels but they would find me anyway. I need a way to hide in plain sight and I think I know how; I will pretend to be a war orphan and live with a family. My Master...would want me to be safe and that's what I will do.
I promise to uphold the Jedi Code forever and always and no matter what the Empire or the Sith throw at me, I shall remain a Jedi. I shall honor my fallen order and my dear Master.
I must move forward because if I don't...then I'm just as empty as a crushing black-hole.
I know I should get up and follow through with my plan but I don't want to move, don't want to make the effort to follow through with my plan or do anything at all. The nightmares that haunt my slumbering hours also haunt my waking ones. And even as I tell myself I should have hope, I can't seem to believe it; because the horrors are sometimes too much and it seems like hope has died along with my Master, friends, and comrades.
But I'll make myself believe it since hope is all I have left.
May the Force be with you until time's tapestry unravels and all falls away.
And let the Jedi return once more. The Force are all I shall live for from now on. As well as fulfilling my Master's dying desire; for me to stay true to the Force and the Code and to remain alive.
To all my dead brothers and sisters, farewell and rest in peace. I will restore what you lost. What we all lost.
I apologize for any misspellings of grammar mistakes. Oh, and the story is going to be taking a very drastic turn in my next post :D
Hope you enjoy and May the Force be with you..Always
Jedi Shena Tokala out