Thursday, February 9, 2012
From the holodiary of Aran Liander: Jedi Apprentic
Even though I very much hate to admit it, I have become obsessed with the secret. I feel terrible for my strong curiosity and ashamed that I can't release this secret into the Force.
Not only do I want to be positive that I know I am right in my assumption, but I want to know who Anakin is meeting. I know it's none of my business but I can't help but wonder. And I can't decide whether to tell anyone or not.
I've tried distracting myself from my secret by training with my Master and other Padawans but all it does take my mind off that and put it back on the darkness that still runs through everything and everyone on Coruscant and it just depresses me further. So, in order to put away that weary, defeatism, my self-conscious will thrust the burning curiosity into the forefront of my thoughts and I will once again start obsessing over what I now hold.
That's what brings me to what I've been meaning to write down.
I've done a terrible thing and I don't know how to forgive myself.......
I followed Anakin last night.
I know, I know, it was wrong and I hate myself for doing. If I could turn back time, I would have just stayed in bed but at the time I felt just like I had to know. I waited until night had descended like a shroud on Coruscant before leaving my room, dressed in a cloak with the hood pulled up, over my sleep-ware. I'd taken an air taxi to the Senatorial Sector; the driver not questioning me about why someone my age was running about alone in the middle of the night. That's one thing I've noticed- if your a Jedi , everyday people seem to forget that your still just a kid. No one ever asks how we are, personally. They want everything from us but never want anything in return-okay, I'll stop with the complaining, it's not the Jedi way.
Anyway, after arriving at the Senatorial sector, I saw Anakin's dark form disembarking from his fighter and I threw up a shield to hide my presence. I'd felt sick, as if my insides had turned into a mass of writhing worms and for a moment I nearly turned back in shame but...but my stupid, cursed curiosity got the better of me and I'd began to trail after Anakin's profile as he quietly made his way down the empty, moon-light flooded, walkways. Suddenly, he'd broken into a run and I'd had to pick up my pace to keep him in sight. I'd been sweating and the feeling of nausea was beginning to overpower me. I kept wanting to turn around but something seemed to be controlling my feet and continued my quick pace. I was surprised that Anakin didn't sense me; wouldn't he be more careful since he was breaking the rules.
Suddenly, I saw him reach an apartment building and at the barest knock, the door opens to reveal....Senator Amidala. I'd never worked with her but I'd heard enough of her to know that the Jedi trusted her and she was on very good terms with the Council; which was remarkable with her being a politician.
I didn't dare listen to what they spoke to each other but the tight embrace they gave told me enough. They were in love. Now I knew for sure that Anakin was breaking the rules and I-I just couldn't decided whether or not to turn them in. And I shouldn't have seen what I'd just witnessed; it was wrong, so wrong. Then a thought struck me. What would my Master think of me; spying on someone regarding something I had no right looking into. That was up to the Council, not me. Shame erupted in me then and my vision blurred so that the lights surrounding me had distorted into thick, milky banners. How could I? How could I?
I'd fled, shaking as vertigo over took me in overpowering waves. What I'd done was just about as bad as what Anakin was doing. I'd let my curiosity get the better of me. I'd done something I thought I'd long ago ridden myself of.
When I'd come to my full senses again, I'd been lying prone on a different walkway, shuddering and perspiring so badly one would have thought I'd been fighting for my life against numerous foes. Now I knew far more than I'd ever wanted to know and I still didn't have my answer on what I was supposed to do.
Now I know why a Jedi must conquer curiosity. Because if we do, we can easily ruin someones life or our own. If we let it get the better of us, we will found out more than we should know. That is why secrets are dangerous; because every single one is worth something and every single one is a tied to a person just like you. Jedi must know many things but there is a limit to it and I'd just crossed it.
I've been meditating all day and now I swear: I sweat I shall never do such a thing again.
But I've also decided something else. I won't tell the Council on Anakin; not now, anyway. And if he helps us win this war, I don't think I ever will.
Force help me for with the deaths, the darkside, the battles, the emptiness inside me, and this secret eating away at me, I don't know what to do. And I don't...I don't really feel like a Jedi right now and that is the worst of all.
All I know for sure is that my Master cares for me, that the Jedi are true, and the truth of our Code
There is no emotion, there is peace
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge
There is no passion, there is serenity
There is no chaos, there is harmony
There is no death, there is the Force
I've been repeating this mantra all day and I will continue until I feel like a Jedi once more.
May the Force be with you during these troubled times