Thursday, February 2, 2012
From the holodiary of Aran Liander: Jedi Apprentice
I saw something strange and worrying last night and I still can't quite piece together everything in my mind about it.
I hadn't been able to sleep so I'd slipped out of my bedroom to see if the soft blue lights of the hall would lull my senses to near-sleep. But instead what I saw made me stay awake almost all night. I had been passing a large window when I saw a small ship leaving from the Temple's Hangar and passing extremely close to where I stood. Confused, I'd pressed my face to the glass and saw that Anakin Skywalker was inside the starfighter, his face a mixture of emotions so tangled I couldn't perceive them. 'Where could Anakin be heading at this late hour?' I'd wondered, keeping my gaze locked on the fighter as it immersed into traffic and flew towards the....Senatorial Sector? Why would a Jedi be heading towards the place that Senators, Representatives, and their assistants resided?
Unless of course...I remember stretching out with the Force towards the fleeting blip that was the starfighter and feeling a hot, pulse against my Force connection.
I'd stumbled away from the window when it hit me. He was meeting someone. And not the kind 'meeting' of someone where you pass or gather information but the other kind. The type of meeting where you meet someone you love- romantically. Anakin was breaking on of the most fundamental rules of the Jedi Order and the Code; Jedi do not marry or form any other sort of romantic relationship. Things like attachment, passion, and possession are all forbidden to us Jedi since they can and have led to the darkside.
I'd slumped against the wall, the sudden realization flooding me with confusion and panic. I couldn't believe it, I still can't. How could he do that? I mean, we all struggle with controlling our emotions and attraction. I know almost all the Masters have had to conquer those human urges; my own Master even had to and he still does. I've even caught myself staring at a nice looking girl every once in awhile, but I always stop the moment I realize I'm doing it. I'm a Jedi and I know better that to let those emotions caused by the troublesome id to get the better of me. But to act on those feelings of attraction and love; to break the rules like that. How can he do that? The idea makes me want to scream at him “How can you, Anakin? Jedi are supposed to stay away from those sort of self-indulgences. Don't you know better?”
And that leads to the next question- what am I supposed to do about it? I know I should turn him in to the Council, but we're in the middle of a war and Anakin is still one of the few Jedi that people revere and trust. Plus he's an amazing duelist and has helped along many a victory.
To toss him out would only worsen the war effort and worsen our image to the republic. But keeping it to myself would be as bad as lying and Jedi aren't supposed to lie unless it is absolutely necessary. Is it absolutely necessary? Who was I to know the answer to that- I don't even know if the Council would have been able to figure out what to do.
Then I'd thought of Obi-Wan. Does he know? I would think he would at least suspect since they are so close. Should I at least tell him? He was Anakin's former Master, after all, and his best friend; maybe he can help him. Maybe he could make him meet whomever he was rendezvousing with.
With all these thoughts buzzing in my head(and they still are), I'd went to the Temple roof to wait and watch the sun rise since I knew I wouldn't get a wink of sleep. I was starting to feel terrible. Not physically ill like I had several days ago but deep within me; making my heart heavy with the weight of the secret I now carried. My Master found me just after sunrise and, without a word, took a seat beside me. We sat in silence while the sky lit up like a candle ablaze for a long time, him a calm, steady presence, me feeling throttled with guilt and confusion. Should I tell my Master what I'd seen and suspected- no, knew?
“Aran, are you all right. I sense a great deal of emotion in you at the moment. Do you want to tell me something?” I'd taken a deep breath and told him “
I...-I know a secret and I can't decide what to do- or who to tell.” My Master's face had taken a rosy glow from the streamers of sunlight, but his eyes looked far away and wan.
“Secrets are dangerous things. You must think long and hard about what you know, my Padawan. Meditate on it in the Force and maybe an answer will come to you.”
I've been doing just that all day and I'm no nearer to an answer than when I first started. I feel an extremely ill sensation in my mind, the secret twisting itself into a deadly viper inside my skull.
I hate keeping secrets from my Master but I can't be the cause of a great Jedi like Anakin to be removed from the Order. I don't want to cause a scandal. Sometimes I wish I could just breath in and erase last night; pretend I never saw what I did, but I can't waste time wallowing in the past.
Now I think I know why my Master gave me this holodiary; it was something I could put my innermost thoughts into and not worry about having a response or a rebuke; just a silent, understanding listener. I actually think I feel slightly better getting it all out.
Well, I guess I'd better get back to meditating on what to do with my secret; I want to get this mess over as soon as possible. r
May the Force be with you and let my confusion in my mind be calmed like the ocean after a storm.