Thursday, June 14, 2012
From the Holo-diary of Aran Liander: Jedi Apprentice
Dedicated to Solace Utara who has been waiting for this next chapter for so long. Sorry for taking so long :)
In the last couple of weeks, all I've been able to think about is the fact that the Imperials are watching me. Somehow, and I'm quite sure how it all works, they seem to be able to peer through my attempts at hiding my intelligence and skill and realize that I am bluffing. I cannot let them take me to the Imperial Academy. I just wouldn't be able to bear it. I'd rather die then serve my family's murderers.
Sorry I haven't written much lately(why am I apologizing, this is just a datapad?) but I've been busy with homework and trying to keep suspicion from rising up in Natalie and Ben's eyes. Ever since they caught me meditating in my room, I've been super careful to not let them see me do anything that might link me to my lost loyalty. That is why I've taken up meditating at night after they've gone to bed. It has really helped me clear my mind as well as keeping nightmares of the Slaughter and of the Clone Wars from plaguing me every waking second.
I fear I am loosing my edge as a Jedi; I haven't used my lightsaber in such a long time that I know it must be collecting dust in it's back underneath my bed. What happens if I loose all that skill I worked for hard on? What if I can't access the Force as easily as I used to now that the Jedi are no more and the fact that I hardly ever use it anymore. I can tell that the muscle I'd had from all my training as been ever so slightly waning. When ever I touch the empty place where my braid once was, I wish that I still had it. I remember back when I was younger and I dreamed of becoming a Jedi Knight. Now I would give anything to be a Padawan once again; I'm not ready to be a Knight. And now that I'm one of the only ones left(and maybe the only one, since I don't know for sure if anyone escaped) I have no one to turn to for help and guidance. I'm lost.
Maybe I'll practice at night when no one's around. But how could I use my lightsaber without attracting attention? It's vivid cylinder of colored light is a universal symbol; people would recognize it instantaneously.
Sorry for complaining. I really shouldn't since I have it a lot easier than a lot of people.
School as been going well, except for the Imperial Youths and Kayla's 'friend', Satana, who treats Kayla horribly. She's always lying to her and brushing her off as if she doesn't matter. I can't stand her. Yet, everyone else seems to love her; apparently, from what Kayla tells me, she has a boyfriend every week; it is so ridiculous, Kayla thinks so as well, but she d aren’t tell her friend that for fear of abandonment. Popularity seems to be all that matters in this school, besides following the rules, and quite frankly, I'm completely fed up with all of this crap.
Yes, I have decided to trust Kayla. She is pretty nice and seems to hate the Empire as much as I do. She's actually become a good friend of mine in these past few weeks, in fact; she reminds me of my old friend Kyla who is gone. Maybe that's why I was able to trust her so quickly, because she reminded me of someone I have lost. Why must the good always die young? Is it because some higher power wants to save them from becoming bad? I don't know. I truly don't know.
I should put this away. Natalie and Ben might see it and I don't want them leafing through it when I don't have it with me.
May the Force be with you...