From the Holo-diary of Aran Liander: Jedi Apprentice

(Here you go, Solace and Covert Knight, just as promised :D)

982 ARR

There is a dead Jedi lying in my room and I can't stop shaking, the terrible noise echoing in my hearing like a thousand booming drums, going on forever and ever and ever and.......

The door swinging open before me, I had nearly thrown up when I saw her, when I saw Kayla, grinning savagely down at me from the opening.

“Hello sweetie, did ya miss me?” All the kindness she had once had was gone, as was that fractured pain I'd seen in her eyes when I'd been taken. I had tried to speak then but my throat hurt too much so I just nodded. Smiling even wider, Kayla had sauntered in and leaned down over me, her hair brushing my cheeks.

“You don't look so good, Aran, dear. Why I ever liked you is a mystery to me.” The bitterness in her voice had clenched in my heart so that I had cleared my throat and forced myself to speak.

“So-, so you work for the empire now, do you, Kayla?” She had backed up, blanching for a second before she grinned again, driving that speck of vulnerability off her face as if it had never been.

“Are you lonely, Aran?” she asked after a moment. Of course I was lonely but then, as I do now, knew I couldn't exactly tell her that. I couldn't tell anyone. No one would understand. So, instead of answering, I'd just turned my head away and shut my eyes.

“Aran, answer me! If you don't, I'll do something horrible.” I am ashamed to say, I didn't believe her. No matter the horrid betrayal I had witnessed at her hands, I still believed she wasn't capable of extreme cruelty. How wrong I was. How wrong....

“Oh, don't wanna talk, do you? Well, I can fix that. Troopers, bring him in.” I heard the door pushed farther open and after a second, a scuffling, dragging noise. I had parted my lids slightly to see two stormtroopers march in, carrying a limp figure, the head hanging, between them- and the figure was in Jedi robes. I had gasped, cowering instinctively, fighting the urge to take my lightsaber from my pack. Kayla had approached me again, crouching and leaning forward, that vulnerability back on her face so that she almost looked like my friend from school.

“Aran, please, say you like me. PLEASE.” she had grabbed my hand and pressed it to her mouth; I was so tired and freaked out, I didn't even resist. I had glanced at the seemingly-boneless Jedi, searching for any indication that they were alive. I'd seen their caved-in chest moving up and down rapidly and I took a breath of relief- they were alive. Then it had hit me, so hard I nearly doubled over. A Jedi was captured and apparently badly hurt. I had to do something, I had to. Out of the corner of my eye, I'd seen something flashing towards my face and before, in my sluggish feeling mind, I could stop it, Kayla's hand was a tight vice around my face.

“Aran, don't look at that wretched thing. Look at ME.” Her face was hard and her eyes filmed over with thick tears, somehow a fire burning in the water.

“That is a Jedi, Kayla, an alive, sentient, being. What do you want?” her lips had pursued and my stomach had twisted into a million knots. I'd had a very bad feeling, right then. I should have listened.

“Say you want me.” In another time, I would have laughed, embarrassed, while simultaneously feeling ill but then I'd just felt saddened.

“I'm sorry. I like you as a friend, but I don't like you in that way.” her face had crumpled then, the skin flushing crimson as she began to sob. I had reached out to touch her shoulder to comfort her, to apologize, to get her to stop sobbing. But before my fingers had reached her jumpsuit sleeve, a hard, stinging palm crashed into my already sore jaw, jerking my head sideways.

“Shut up, you kriffed up barve, just shut up!” she'd screamed, backing away from me, hands slipping into her pockets.

“Kayla, do you want me to-?” one of the troopers asked, their voice different then that of the engineered clones. This must be a recruit. Maybe even one who knew Kayla well.

“Say it or I'll have you killed!” she'd screeched shrilly, cutting the trooper off.

I met Kayla's agonized gaze, my heart aching in my chest.

“You won't do that, Kayla. I know you and you're not a killer.” One hand slid out from her pocket, the bloodless, pallid fist gripping onto a blaster. Shakily, she'd leveled it towards me.

'She's better than this. I know she is.' Grunting and gritting my teeth against it, I'd managed to push myself to my throbbing feet, raising my hands over my head.

“Kayla, stop. I'm sorry but you can't do this. You have no idea what killing will do to you, especially if you haven't mastered yourself. I know. I know and its the worst feeling in the universe.” Squeezing her hands even tighter around the handle of her blaster, she had glared at me with something that looked almost crazed. Panic had gripped me.

“Satana was right. You want her and not me.”

“Kayla, that isn't true-”

“I said SHUT UP!” I faced her, willing her with every fiber of my being to stand down, to lower the weapon. But she didn't. Instead she smiled again, a smirk, a horrible, twisted grimace.

“Landy, initiate phase two will you?” The trooper, the one who had spoken so familiarly with Kayla, nodded.

“Yes, ma'am.” Kayla turned her face back to me, all vulnerability gone.

“Well, if you don't want me then I'll make you.” I saw her hand jerk at something in her gun and I wanted to use the Force, so badly it hurt like a bruise on my heart, but I'd known I couldn't- I couldn't let any of them die. I locked eyes with her, reaching out a hand, knowing what she was about to do and screaming in my mind for her not to.

“Kayla, no-” The stun dart hit me, a numbing, dizzying sensation sending me dropping to my knees. Through my blurring vision I looked up at the Jedi and saw that it was a human male and a Knight by the looks of it. Suddenly, as if he sensed me staring at me, he looked up, his eyes baring his soul. Then recognition lit his face and a deep understanding filled his ancient-seeming irises.

“Aran?” he whispered, his voice a thick slurry in my hearing. Then, behind him, I heard a shot and those eyes, that face, was gone in a shower of blood and gore, the now, nearly-headless body falling forward, soaking in puddle of their own leakage.

And through the fuzziness, through the clouds clotting my brain and eyes, through the sludge in my blood, an emotion had exploded up through me and I'd screamed in painful denial and horror, reaching forward with agonizingly slow hands, the sound howling around me and I'd fallen to my hands and then my face when my elbows buckled beneath me.

A foot had gently eased me onto my back right before a heavy weight descended onto my lower stomach. I had looked up and through my tunneling vision I'd seen Kayla leaning over me, a warped grin stretching her lips into a terrifying grimace. Her hands fisted into my robes, her knuckles grinding into my chest.

“I wanted you was all. All you had to do was be like all other guys and at least want me back. But you couldn't, could you, you damn Jedi. So, since you won't want me, I guess I'll just have to do it for you. You know what rejection feels like? Well, I'm going to make you damn well FEEL IT!”

And she'd leaned forward. I'd tried to move, tried to turn my face away, to squirm free from her but I couldn't move, my limbs were completely immobile. I wanted to scream, to black out but I wasn't, I wasn't. She came closer, much, much closer then I ever wanted, and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it.

Now, as I write this, hugging my torn shirt to me and staring at the remains of his mangled, gory-smothered face, I realize I knew the dead man in the room. He'd been a healer, a kind soul who had looked after me during times I'd been injured- I'd even been taught my him. He was one of the most peaceful persons I'd ever met, he'd even refused to carry a lightsaber. And since the numbing agent injected into me has gone, I can't stop crying. I'd finally found another Jedi and he was killed becayse of my poor judgement. A good man was dead and it was all my fault since I had trusted in Kayla's goodness. I should never have trusted her. I couldn't trust her or anyone, not anymore, especially since I was considered pure evil in this galaxy we all lived in. Even the best of people could have a monster in their heart. Like Kayla. No wonder the Jedi preached so much about the temptations of the darkside and the temptations of the flesh. Now I fully and truly understand why attachment is forbidden.

I now know I have to escape. No one else can die because of me and I can't let anything like that happen again; not the death and not what Kayla did to me. My mouth still hurts and when ever the pain crosses my radar, I feel sick in my stomach. I never wanted to be kissed, never wanted to break the code, but she'd stolen that from me and I feel like I lost something I will never get back. Did I even break the code? Did I?

Okay, I need to think. I have to escape. Kayla promised to come back and from the vehemence and crazed emotion in her voice, I know what will happen cannot be good.

Hey, you know that idea I had earlier? Maybe I'll try it. Maybe if I just...HIT at my scalp....

* * * * * * *

So many things have happened today, diary, and I feel it is only right that I transcribe it all in here.

I did the thing I promised myself I would never do- cause physical injury to myself. But I swear, I had no choice. Digging with the hilt of my lightsaber, I'd managed to pull the chip in my head out, holding my mouth shut as hard as I could to keep myself from throwing up. Dizzy from the remaining remnants of the drug and the blood coursing down the back of my head, I'd gathered my bag and clipped my lightsaber to my belt. As I headed towards the door, I tore off my shirt and wrapped it around my skull, blood immediately beginning to soak through it.

I'd taken a deep breath and ignited my lightsaber and stabbing into the invisible door. Hearing a hiss behind me, dioxys flooding the room, I quickly cut a hole in the white plasteel and climbed through the burning hole.

“Prisoner, stop immediately and hold up your hands!” I turned and saw the stormtrooper who had spoken to Kayla, who had killed the Jedi. I swung around, slashing the blade into his gun and spun, slamming my heel into his breastplate, sending him flying.

Klaxons wailing, I'd sprinted down the passage, weaving on jelly legs, my wounded body beating in time with my heart. Storming footsteps clamored behind me and I ran even faster, the forever gray walls swaying and smearing before me. I'd known I had to find a way to hide before they found me. I'd known that, in my pathetic state, I wouldn't have stood a chance. I couldn't even stop Kayla...

I had spied a air duct, just large enough to occupy my emaciated form. Tearing it from the wall, I'd crawled inside and replaced it before taking off down the cramped passage as quietly as I could on my hands and knees, blinking the blood dripping into my eyes; the scarlet droplets reminding me of the dead man back in my cell. I didn't even give him a burial....

Somehow I forced myself not to think about it as I pushed myself along, alone, alarms and the stamping of boots growing into a cacophony of unbearable sound. Somehow, I found the exit in the maze of narrow passages and got away, blood leaking onto my bare shoulders and onto the bottom of the tunnel.

As I'd stepped out into the weak light of dawn, a cold wind had swept passed me and I shivered, wishing I could put on my Jedi top but knowing it was a stupid idea. Of course, I had to wear something so I dug out that oversized shirt I'd gotten during my desperate days on the streets and pulled it over my head, the cloth hanging off me like a second layer of skin. I knew I had to find a ship and I had to find one fast. The only problem was- How?

Suffice to say, I did find myself a ship- a large one carrying over a thousand passengers, all poor, all as desperate as I, maybe even more so. I used the last of my credits to get the small, cramped room that will be my home until I get off.

I don't know which planet to try but I looked at a list on the ship's data-board before I'd boarded. Maybe I'll look over it again after dinner and pick one out; I don't care what its like as long as its far, far away from Coruscant and the Empire. Maybe I can even find other Jedi like myself out there in the darkness of space, though I doubt it.

Now I'm standing in one of the large galleys, staring at the humongous, wall-spanning transparisteel window, watching as Coruscant grows smaller and smaller in the viewport, watching as my Master, my home, my dead friends, and a lost Order vanish from my sight forever. I can't stop weeping because I know I will never come back, not now that all my pain festers on the beautiful and cruel world below. I hate that I think this but I almost hate the world below that had been my home and light once upon a time. There are too many cruel people and even though I know it's not everyone, I somehow can't except that right now. I have much to work on. I thought I could somehow take on the Empire but I was wrong.

Goodbye Master, I'm sorry. I failed you, I failed all of you. And now I will forever atone for it.

Aran Liander