From the Diary of Aran Liander: Jedi Apprentice

982 ARR

We're going to be arriving today and I have a few things to tell you before we get there.

Number one is I'm sorry for not writing in here in such a long time- I've been really....I guess you could say 'despondent' lately and I don't feel like writing anything. It's all the same old stuff- my depression over Order 66, death, Kayla, my friends, and so on. The nightmares just get worse and I sometimes still feel a phantom pain in my mouth or in the back of my skull. I don't know how much more of this I can take...

Anyway, I tried to contact Ben and Natalie but I couldn't get through....or it might have been that they don't want to answer my comlink. I felt crushed that they would ignore me like this but in a way I'm glad they haven't answered. That way, I don't have to see the hate and shame in their eyes. I don't have to see the hatred.

Well, the bell just rang, so that means we're here. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

I wasn't able to buy anything with my measly amount of crumpled credits so I was forced to comb the streets for currency, like I did after Order 66. I used what little I could find to rent a corner in a room since I don't have enough to buy a full room. The man I'm 'rooming' with is a middle aged man about my Master's age and roughly human; all comparisons to my Master end there, however. He is dirty, grunge-faced, with darting eyes that I find very unsettling. I think I completely understand girl's wariness now, especially after Kayla. If that instance has taught me anything, it has taught me about the monsters inside certain people and how it can take away everything that makes them alive. I don't want to loose hope but...but I can't believe in living beings anymore.

Damn Kayla, why did you take my last bit of Jedi out of me?! You gutted me and left me for dead! You took something away from me that I'll never get back now and how can I be a Jedi if I have this big burning hatred for everything in myself?! I HATE YOU!!

….

I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry. I won't do it again, I promise, I promise, okay?

Since I don't have anymore currency with which to pay my owner and rent is tomorrow, I went job scoping. So far I've managed to piss off several store owners when they tried to pickpocket me, and totally humiliate myself when I punched a pole dancer in the face when she made a move on me.

And now, I'm sitting in a wretched restaurant eating an unrecognizable-meat stew from some place that takes credits. I've been looking at job opportunities, not believing I'm doing this, and I have some ideas which I'll write down now.

1 – I could be a body guard or something- I am very skilled in combat and my Force sensitivity would definitely be a bonus. And it would definitely be better than every other karking job here that is crooked and, quite possibly, immoral. I may have sunk far, but I'm NOT going to betray myself anymore than I already have.

2 – I could-....Oh, who am I kidding, I'm a Jedi! I can't do anything on this damn, rotten world! I shouldn't have come here, I know I shouldn't have! It was stupid. And now I'm stranded here...alone..

Wait, that girl over there by the brothel house....she looks familiar..

Oh...

Oh my Force, is that Kyla? What's she doing here? Didn't she die, didn't-?

Forget this, I'm getting a closer look.

Aran Liander