(sorry this is so short- it's kind of a bridge between larger events you could say.)
I am ashamed. I can't let what happened yesterday happen ever again.
When I got back home, Natalie and Ben freaked out over the slashes on my forearms; I'd tried to hide them behind my sleeve but part of it had shown and they'd demanded that I show them and when they'd seen my arms they'd began screaming and yelling at me like I was some crazy lunatic. Maybe I was.
Never again, however. I will NOT slip into such desperation again. I am a Jedi and we do not allow ourselves to let desperation drown us. I'm not sure how my resolve came back to me but I'm guessing that it might have had something to do with two things: hearing my name spoken aloud once again and actually doing something to Vader. I HAD knocked him back- not as much as he'd done to me, but still enough to know that it had surprised him.
I redoubled my efforts earlier this night at my training grounds; I'm not up to where I once was but I think I'm getting closer. I'm not as tired or as sore and I can do more and stretch further than I have in a long time. I'm very glad I decided to be training again since I think it's one of the few things keeping hope a kindled fire in my chest.
Natalie and Ben made me stay home from school today and I stayed in my room except for meal times and when I snuck out to train. From my door, ear pressed to the metal, using the Force to hone my senses, I could hear them whispering. About me. They kept talking about 'A psychologist' and 'mental problems'. I know that can't be good. Did they regret taking me in? I think so. I mean, who wants to take care of a wretched Jedi child anyway?
No, no, I'm not a Jedi child and I don't think I was even before Order 66- I lost my childhood the day the war started and I haven't looked back since. Wait, I hear something. I'll be right back.
Words can't express how happy I am! Kayla called on my com-unit and said she wanted to be friends again and that she is sorry. I then told her that, no, I am sorry, and that I'll see her tomorrow.
I haven't been this happy since before that dark day, maybe even before the Clone Wars. Kayla wants to be my friend again. I'll have at least one friend in this life. Should I tell her who I am? Can I trust her to keep my secret? No, no I cannot do that. I would only endanger her. I already have the worry that I'll be pressed into military service at the Academy and I definitely don't want that.
When I remember what Darth Vader said to be yesterday, I feel a cold chill zigzag up my spine; he said that we would meet again. He had said his Master, that despicable, evil emperor, had plans. What they were and why they included me I don't yet know. I'll have to be even more careful now; two Sith Lords want me for something and I know that it won't be good, whatever it is.
Great, now my good feelings are going away and that dread and shame is settling back in. I really don't want this, I really don't. But I will take it. I am a Jedi and I will take it.
We aren't the villains the public sees us as; we will still protect you galaxy, I will protect you, even if you all hate me and cry out for my blood. I will protect you as best I can because...because it is the right thing to do.
Good night now, dear diary. Tomorrow, go back to school where I know I will at least have one friend.